Ok, now its starting to get harder.
Since my last update, I have had four more rounds of FOLFIRI and with each round, three jabs of GCSF (a growth hormone to stimulate white cell production to combat the immunosuppressive effect of chemo) and constant antibiotics. Add to that the myriad of anti-nausea drugs that I need to take with each round of chemo and my body is starting to tell me it has had enough. In the earlier rounds of chemo I was able to regain about 80-90% of my usual energy levels, just in time to be hit with the next round. The last couple of rounds have not been so kind and I went into round 9 feeling quite lethargic. It is the kind of tiredness where sleep does not seem to help and suddenly the day to day tasks all seem a bit too hard.
In mid Feb I had a CT scan to see how things were going. The good news was that there had been no more disease progression (phew) and the three tumours in my liver that were visible in December were still there but had shrunk a little. Overall my Oncologist was happy with this and so the current treatment plan is to have one more round of chemo (FOLFIRI round 10) and then have a chemo break until things start growing back again. I can't express at this point how relieved I am to have a break in sight as I am feeling utterly worn down at the moment, both emotionally and physically.
I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore. Between the number 2 haircut, medication-related bloating, weight gain and huge dark circles under my eyes, its fair to say I no longer look like the person in my blog profile picture. I try not to care too much about how I look, but its just one more thing I feel I have lost through this whole awful journey.
Since my last update I also made the decision to finish up at work. I have always enjoyed working and prior to my diagnosis was very career driven. Of course that stopped the day I was diagnosed (strangely it was that sudden) but my desire to work in an area I was skilled in remained. I was fortunate enough to get a contract with the Ministry of Health and they were very flexible and understanding employers indeed. However it had got to the point with my illness that I felt I was unable to give them enough of my time or energy and felt that something had to give. The decision was made in late Jan and I finished up at the start of March and as it turned out the timing could not have been better as the timing co-coincided with my plummeting energy levels. It is a bit sad for me to think that my working life is probably over, although I still have a little hope that a time may come where I am in a position to pick up another small piece of work. At this stage it is hard to know how realistic that is as this whole process is so full of unknowns.
On a happier note, Bryan and I have planned quite a few trips this year so that we have lots to look forward to. The first big event is a two night trip to Auckland this weekend for the Bruno Mars concert, and the second, a week on the Sunshine Coast in May with the kids. If all goes to plan then our trip to Aussie will be 6 weeks into my chemo break so fingers crossed I will be feeling a bit better.
